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   Computer Jokes

Remember when...  

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat  

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was when a band played at night
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while  


Log was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu  

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!  




Some Infamous words

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949  

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
 -Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943  

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with  the best people, 
    and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
 -Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting 
    on the microchip.  

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
 -Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,  1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as  a means of 
    communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
 - Western Union internal memo, 1876.  

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay  for a message
     sent to nobody in particular?"
 -David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in  the radio in the 1920s.  

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better  than a 'C,' the idea
     must be feasible."
-A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper  proposing 
    reliable overnight delivery service.  (Smith went on to found  Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
 -H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

  "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary  Cooper."
 -Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say  America likes 
    crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
  - Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.  

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
 -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.  

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
 -Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples
     that said you can't do this."
-Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even  built with some of your parts, 
    and what do you think about funding us? Or  we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary,
     we'll come  work for you.'  And they said, 'No.'  So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,  and they said,
     'Hey, we don't need you.  You haven't got  through college  yet.'"
 -Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and 
    Steve Wozniak's personal computer.  

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction  and the need 
    to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.  He seems to lack the 
    basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
 -1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.  

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of  your muscles? 

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
 -Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
 -Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
 -Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure deGuerre.

  "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

 "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

  "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the
     wise and humane surgeon".
-Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary  to Queen Victoria 1873.

  "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
 - Bill Gates, 1981


You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the Internet: 28.8...ISDN...
        cable modem...T1...T3

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word.

* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* Your dog has its own home page.

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

* You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

* Your wife makes a new rule: the computer can't come to bed.

* You forget what year it is.

* You start to tilt your head sideways to smile. :-)

* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours a month "unlimited."

* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage so you buy another computer and install a second phone
     line so the two of you can chat.

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.



Once again, we have life imitating the Three Stooges. ..V

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light
     that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. 
    Can you see that?"
......."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables 
    plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...  A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still 
    have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when 
    you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


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